"AN ASS CON"
The Blastitude Humor Page!

In an attempt to stay current, and just to entertain our readers even a little more, Blastitude has been trying to incorporate more "humor" into our coverage of modern rock music. However, there has been a major stumbling block: we're not especially funny! Our only recourse was to go straight to the masters of the "rock humor" field, the one and only editors of CHUNKLET magazine! I decided to send my crack staff to Atlanta, Georgia. Our mission was to buy crack cocaine, hence the name of our staff, but even more importantly, to seek out Henry Owings and learn at his feet. The members of my staff and I knew it would be hard for all of us to fit under his computer desk, but we were trained to stop at nothing.
        Unfortunately, this enthusiasm met a major obstacle when my crack staff arrived at the door of Mr. Owings's midtown Atlanta apartment -- and I'm not talking about the fact that was it locked. That could've been easily broken into with one of those hatchet-things firemen and/or Venom use; the real obstacle was the note scotch-taped on it: "SORRY! Out scamming free merch on the Friends in Indie tour, featuring Yo La Tengo/the reunited Man or Astroman/Rocket From The Crypt/Apples in Stereo/Hot Hot Heat/Q And Not U!" Okay, so maybe we should've e-mailed first. But we weren't going to just turn around and sulk back to Chicago. Knowing that our indie rock cred was on the line, one can-do staffer remembered something he had learned while earning a minor in marketing at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln's commended College of Business Administration: the practice of "garbology." This was a method that some intrepid marketers used to obtain demographic data, involving actually going into the dumpsters behind the homes of 'subjects,' and analyzing the contents.
       Well, Blastitude didn't want any demographic data, but we did think that maybe we could pilfer some of Owings's rejects, right? It might not be the cream of the "rock humor" field, but it would at least get us started in our attempt to stay current, with the times. And boy did we luck out; right on top of the trash heap, laying atop various old hard drives and the discarded promo one-sheets of a thousand bands, was a paper with a legend scrawled across the top: "IDEAS FOR NEW ISSUE." Underneath were some chicken-scratches that, once we brought 'em back to the 'stude offices and deciphered 'em, we decided were . . . kinda funny! Plus, they're politically incorrect, and we heard that was the best way to 'lighten up the scene.' So enjoy, readers, and remember to rock out and make fun of others so that the scene can lighten up!

INTRO: At some point, every one of you is going to need to put down someone else's favorite band. With these handy chart, [Blastitude] can tell you the quickest way to do it! (Arranged by subgenre.)

Okay, this isn't really humor, it's meant to be serious, but Andrew W.K. makes us laugh and enjoy life, so we're including it here. Plus, we were serious up at the top when we said we weren't funny, so we don't have any more "humor" material.

WAYS THAT ANDREW W.K. HAS CHANGED MY LIFE
by Brad Sonder

1. Like a lot of people who went to college at a Big Eight school in the Midwest, I grew up using the word "party" to mean "get drunk and/or do drugs." But now I use the word with a much less narrow definition. Regularly I go back to Omaha and hang out with all my nieces and nephews, who range in age from 2 to 11. When we go swimming, I call it a "pool party." When we eat pizza, whether delivered or at the restaurant, I call it a "pizza party." If the kids are spazzing out, which the usually are, I say something like, "You guys sure are partyin'!" The kids seem to pick up on the use of the word. It invests even the normal situations, like going to an average restaurant with a few family members and being at home by 8PM, and living in Omaha when you do it, with a certain excitement.

2. I also really like W.K.'s spiel about how the ultimate party is a party of one, because if you can party by yourself then you're a true individual, and you don't need anyone else to justify what you do and make you feel good about yourself, you have all that power within. I'd generally rather party with other people, but in the case that I am stuck alone, W.K. has shown me that I can still party and handle it with dignity.

3. I've also decided that the ultimate party beverage is water. Because if you're partying and just drinking water all night, then you're a responsible person who is concerned with your health, and, possibly, with not driving while intoxicated, and, of course, you recognize that partying is a state of mind and not a state of booze. These are admirable traits worth celebrating. And, if you are hitting the booze, you know that you've truly partied hard when you reach the point late at night when you switch to water (because you know you'll possibly die if you drink any more booze). (Me and a friend of mine wrote a W.K. song called "Party Responsibly," to the tune of "It's Time To Party," the first song on I Get Wet. "You've got to party! Responsibly! Don't feel left out! Cuz what you're doing is great!" Something like that.)

HERE'S SOME GOOD ANDREW W.K. LINKS:

http://www.nccu.edu/Events/Media_Releases/061.shtml

http://www.nccu.edu/campus/echo/archive3-0203/ae-andrew.html

http://www.thesyn.com/college/stories/Apology_Letter.htm

The following column isn't really humor at all, unless you find the idea of a "7-inch Roundup!!!" as a sidebar in a music zine review section to be humorous. Which it is, now that you mention it! Which is why I put it in the humor section instead of the review section! So, without further ado, welcome to my

7-INCH ROUNDUP!!!
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman

THE INSURGENT: Loudest Letter (SQUARE OF OPPOSITION)
We start with two 7-inches from the Square of Opposition label, which turns out to be a hardcore label. A little too Fugazi influenced, a little too post-emo. Loud, rocking, whatever, but just swings a little too far over to the Fugazi side. I liked Fugazi, I really did, but I just ain't about it anymore, and I definitely don't wanna hear the second tier. Packaging is colorful and a little crazy; there's like a little manila pouch sewn onto this 7-inch jacket, and the lyrics of course come in a typewritten art-scrawled xerox BOOKLET -- see I always kind of secretly liked emo when it got all super-artsy like that -- that's when it started to border on fucking crust punk, except that crust punk is much drunker than most emo -- and actually fucking crust is starting to come back a little bit -- seriously, keep your ear to the ground -----

ROBOT ATTACK! Demo 3.0 (SQUARE OF OPPOSITION)
See, this 7-inch has a song called "Bikes Rule, Cars Drool." Total political crust-core. (Not costumed robot-joke No Wave, as the band name would suggest.) The only problem with crust-core is that it tends to be over-influenced by 3 things, usually all at once: 1. Fugazi, 2. Slint, 3. The Locust, or whoever the crust/screamo band that most influenced The Locust was. Angel Hair?? This time on the cover there's actually fucking glitter paint, which makes the overt influences more tolerable. I just love that artsy crust type shit . . . (This just in: there is NOT glitter paint on the cover! The silk-screened crust art vibe of the cover and label actually FOOLED me!)

VERSAILLES: "Karl" b/w "Elder" (CEPHIA'S TREAT)
I listened to almost the whole first side on 45 RPM and it's supposed to be on 33 RPM. I was ready to say, "It's an okay band, but sounds a little too much like the singers from The Locust being backed by a Slint tribute band trying out their first originals." Now that I'm listening to it on the right speed, the slowness and dirgeness might be an improvement, but not really, it's still too fast. And the singer still sounds too late for screamo. Anyway, bands, please mark what speed to play the 7-inch. As for all the Slint tribute bands, I liked Slint, and I recently listened to Spiderland and the 10-inch and they're still good (although Spiderland has slipped a little bit), but we all know that second tier Slint imitators are the reason why I started buying John Fahey records (and second tier Slint imitators "incorporating" John Fahey imitations are the reason why I started buying Nautical Almanac records, but that's a digression). Note emo packaging touches: it comes with its own plastic turntable adapter thingie!

THE GTC (WHITE DENIM)
Man, I think I played this one at the wrong speed too. Bands, please. Mark that shit right on the label, please. Your design isn't that hermetic, it can accomodate a simple "45 RPM" or "33 RPM." This is actually kind of a similar genre to Versailles: emo-influenced grindcore. (Oh yeah, it's called Screamo. I said that in the last review.) The GTC are a little better at it -- vocals don't sound anything like David Grubbs or the guy from Hey Mercedes, but they are yet another grindcore/screamo vocal duo employing the low-guy/high-guy template. The high singer for The GTC is kind of amazing, sounds like a weird miniature dog of some kind a couple times. They have okay trumpet too. Not a bad band. The 'breakdown' of the first song on side two wins me over, instead of some precise speed-picking, they just make their equipment all sound like it's falling over really hard for ten continuous seconds. Still no USAISAMONSTER or anything. Oh shit, while I was writing that they were doing this thing where they got really quiet and clicky and it lasted a long time and I wondered if it was bad mastering and then the dog-guy screams something a capella, loud, and they go back into the song, loud! Now that was good -- reminded me of "Black Juju"! Actually, the production on this is pretty bad and clicky (and my stereo needle is bad too), and those are all good things, so this is sounding much better than some super-sheen CD by The Locust or The Blood Brothers or the et al.

SCREAMIN' MEE-MEES: Answer Me! (BRINKMAN)
Two dirges, really. Freaked-out, minimalist garage rock that, as you might have heard, make The Seeds seem pretty "over-produced." Good, not the most essential Mee-Mees I've heard, but freaked-out enuff to be worth a listen, especially to the uninitiated. And at least they print, right there on each label: "45 RPM." Bruce Cole plays "Green Monster Guitar." "Produced by MIROSLAW FERNANDEZ." Yeah, right! "Recorded in THE BASEMENT by HORACE BIMLY." That one I believe, as long as it really was someone's basement. "PLAY LOUD ON CHEAP STEREO!" I did! (See previous review.)

LUX-O-VALUES!: Pretty and Blue EP (SEAGULL)
This is actually a breath of fresh air after all the Screamo. The average Blood Brothers fan will listen to this and go "Fuck, man, indie pop sucks," but you know, it doesn't ALL suck, after all most screamo sucks too. After all, a person with a voice and a guitar is a timeless form, and even indie poppers sometimes have a good handle on it. And "Battered & Bruised," the lead-off song on here, knocks out a fuzzy home-made love-lilt glow that feels like early New Zealand (before noise took over) all over again. Seriously, it is a beautiful song! And it kind of rocks, too. People, there's a reason for the lo-fi movement: it sounds great. Omaha's always had its own lo-fi and totally indie pop movement with the Sing Eunuchs! label, which was carried on by Lumberjack, until they became Saddle Creek and were able to spend some money on recording. Now the lo-fi Omaha torch is carried on by no-money-spending Unread. That's why I'm the only guy I know who can handle Bright Eyes, because I see him coming from the Sing Eunuchs! tradition of Omaha, not the 'trendy' Saddle Creek movement you've read about in Spin and D.I.W. Of course, a lot of you wouldn't like this stuff regardless, because it's too sweet (i.e. "lollipop"). I know a lot of Blastitude readers like their new rock music to be a little more bitter and sour, and to you lot I recommend the Arnoux "Live" CS on Omaha's Foreign Lands label. (Made by some of the same people as Lux-O-Values!) (By the way, the recent Saddle Creek feature in Spin (Thom Yorke cover) completely plagiarizes the Saddle Creek photo shoot that D.I.W. did almost a year earlier. And you thought you'd never care . . .)

SYNDICATE OF SOUND: "Little Girl" b/w "You" (BELL)
When I was like 13 years old I would always wake up to the same radio station, and they had some regular "flashback" feature where they would play an oldie, or maybe they would have a "blindfold test" where someone could call in to identify the artist and win a prize, and one morning the song they played was "Little Girl" by The Syndicate of Sound, and I never forgot how it was kinduva PUNK song, with total regular-guy vocals, and a circular songwriting motif that was downright garage-trancey. Well, precisely 19 years later, one ____ A. from WHPK runs into me at Reckless Records, where he's digging through all the used 45s that are buried under some magazine rack. He hands me a 45 that's priced at 49 cents and says, "Here's a vintage garage 45 for 49 cents, you should buy it." I'm sure he's already got a few graded copies of his own. That's about all he says -- it's not like ___ and I are good buddies, and for some reason I once flamed him on the WHPK rock list -- well, the reason I did that is I've been finding a lot of his regular posts borderline flamey already, for a couple of years. But you know, I felt bad about that, and I'm not holding any big grudge. He's a smart guy, and a fine DJ, and he's got his opinions, and he was nice enough to give me this 45, which rocks -- "Little Girl" sounds even better now than it did when I was laying in bed 19 years ago. The flipside, "You," is pretty scratched up, so I can't get into its mood, although it has organ and is actually a quasi-Zombies ballad. Not bad "suave garage" (a/k/a "croon garage," see also Morrison, Bowie, Osterberg, Ferry, all the others), but doesn't really fit with "Little Girl," and won't stay with you too long after the needle picks up, let alone 19 years.

BIRCHVILLE CAT MOTEL: Glass Harvest Mason 7-inch (VEGLIA)
Veglia is a damn fine label, let me tell ya. They're the one of the very few labels that still covers the classic mid-nineties lo-fi home-drone scene and actually makes it look good. Plus a "No Wave" release with the Nautical/
Puffy split. This missive, by that New Zealander named Campbell Kneale, is a great looking record, but you'll never guess what: no playing speed is designated. Well, 33 RPM sounds pretty likely. Two sides, two hives of buzzing thick Birchvillitude. Side one reminds me a little of his Vespertine disc for density and darkness (i.e. "vacuum cleaners" could still be a credit), but more active, with all kinds of chaos whinging around. Side two is even more of a "drone," in the same way that a dentist drill demolishing your teeth makes a "drone." It's also kind of a 'siren' piece (maybe Campbell's been listening to Wolf Eyes like everybody else) and also kind of has "Doppler VROOM" sounds. Good 7-inch, family man Campbell Kneale seems to be paradoxically getting "harsher" as he grows up and has more kids.

RADIO SHACK/RADIO SHOCK split 7-inch (BREATHMINT/ IGNIVOMOUS/CARBON/SUNSHIP/ROGER)
And finally, the last platter in this "7-inch derby." I can't believe I'm just now listening to this, Ignivomous gave it to Blastitude years ago (actually it was August 2002). Once again, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SPEED TO PLAY IT AT! 45 RPM sounds good. It's chippy noise, rhythmic but not danceable near-static. I like it! "Radio Shock is a one-man band." Funny, I used to write about how I preferred "soul" over "quirk" when it came to my No Wave and Noise Music, and Radio Shock has titled their first song "White Noise Ain't Got No Soul"! They're proud of being Quirky! The funny thing is, according to my definitions this is more on the Soul side, even though it's chippy and dot-matrixy. Soul can surface all kinds of ways. Usually it's more just a matter of flow than it is of 'content' or 'genre'.
       Oh, actually that was the Radio Shack side, not the Radio Shock side. Flip it over, now I'm listening to the "one-man band' called Radio Shock, and the song "White Noise Ain't Got No Soul," which is indeed a little quirkier. R. Shack is the abstract project, R. Shock is the songs project. Ah, hell, it's still soulful, the way it jumbles up a babbling helium vocalist and all kinds of pop culture noise over a frantic beat while still remaining a fairly low-key number. (Vocals do sound a bit like something off God Ween Satan. Oh man, I think that's the first time in Blastitude history I've admitted to my Ween knowledge.) Second song is a little less quirky, with raunch guitar and the Ween guy doing some death metal croaks.
       By the way, this 7-inch is wonderfully packaged in an actual RADIO SHACK PLASTIC BAG (one side is altered to spell Radio Shock). Released by the BREATHMINT/SUNSHIP/etc. finance cabal we're starting to see quite a bit of in these pages. I recommend this 7-inch!