Tales of Time Travel from Twin Towers of Babel
(a 21st Century Trans-Atlantic telephone
conversation)

DYLAN NYOUKIS: Let's talk about the Burmese Bilu?? You ever get invited to cast any away with your holy racket??

ALAN BISHOP: Yeah I got a commodities magnet over there with her own Nat Troupe and I'm now an honorary member with my bro and a golden twinkie. We perform cuz word got out that we CAN. Never let 'em down, in another, more casual gawk, we always buy $4 guitars when we arrive and hold delicate court on dirt porches when we head to the highlands. If I was more of a whiskey drinkin' funeral pyre like I used to be, I'd say I can't remember it all, but every time we play a shrapnel blog-o-hotel california or rites in black satan, the whiskey flows and word spreads to the next town that we're comin'. Clears a path wider than a phoney "mass gravesite" in Germany. Ya really gotta come over and see how they treat kindly like and make ya feel balmy. I'm negotiating purchasing an old British chummery from one of the generals and I may need your throat logic to pull it off.

DN: Hell I just wanna wear a kilt and slug on some nasty Laphroaig single malt and go to the NAT festival, how'd you think that'd go down?

AB: A utilikilt would be nice. I'm one-ninth Scottish and you can wager there'd be NO KIP at the Nat fest, 72 hours non-stop multiplied by the 60 simultaneous venues, thats what? 4500 hours of the greatest show on earth? Who's gonna read this?

DN: A handful of pot smoking grongos.

AB: I should shut up. I only saw 3 white people there last year! There's-a-plenty-opossum be lookin' up that kilt! Some pretty little dippies!

DN: You ever come across any Thaye??

AB: I got an appointment with a Lhasa brothel master next year. I showed up once and it was early. At least I had frequent flyer miles. Had to book it way in advance. I've basically thrown out all my booze but I still pretend I can chug with jimmys who give good advice. You gave me some good advice once.....what was it?

DN: I think it was 'Let children eat dirt'? Or no, wasn't it that you should slick your hair like Dicky Loeb?

AB: And I think ya told me not to steal the "mysterious blue soups of the south"! Or was it . . . "stay away from Herod's cuz theres an explosive sale goin' on"!

DN: Kaaa-booom! What about our lovely Lady Diana, what's yr take on that bag?

AB: Lady land mine was a looker, alright! She hooked-up an incubator to her foxhole and gave away the keys to her Pugeout, a costly "backseat" move. Dodi Amin Dada fucked her wrong. Disraeli had to kill her and strapped her arab foetus to a tunnel median, blamed it all on the ghost of Robert Frank. If all them glossy fashion rags weren't printed on dried Rothschild semen hankies, they'd never sell! Chicks dig the long ball.....I heard that BORAT ALI G wanted to do Dodi's Daddy on TV? Is it true?

DN: Sadly no Borat action, it was an appearance on the Ali G chatshow, Old man Arab was escorted onto the sofa with thick black ghetto honeys, Ali G got him to rap at the end if my memory recalls. He owns the Fulham football club in London, I heard one of the players say that before big matches Fayed will come in to the dressing rooms and go on and on about the Fulham players having big, big, manly bollocks. How do the Sun City Girls weigh up?

AB:Yikes!....if that little eavesdrop was a fly on our wall, he'd get extra parts to sell to an Italian club. One of us gotta left dick, one's gotta third boulder, on loan from a conga player, and one of us was born with a third lung.

DN: That's a nice little package you boys got.

AB: We trade 'em around, especially the lung since our smoking habits are a bit demanding. As for size, we had to chop 'em down crudely without anesthetic at the Bilderberger meeting a few years back cuz Rumsfeld's mouth was too small and we wanted to parade our whole packages down into his one-way throat!! We shoulda left 'em AS IS to face-fuck a few lizards we've met since, their open jaws need some simultaneous incarnate pointers about the NEW WORLD ORDER!

DN: Stinky KGB old dough is now being pumped into english football by russian oligarch. It's all good, Papa Voodoo.

AB: Speaking of soccer, Manchester United is playing a few exhibition matches over here right now. Why do they bother?

DN: I guess the UK just has this old maternal feeling to teach its old colonies about a proper sport, none of this pigskin or bat and ball crud. Man U are a bunch of pancreas shit shovellers. I believe that they will be playing my team Glasgow Celtic in Seattle. Now what I want to know is will you do me the favour of turning up outside the stadium and playing "Bobby Sands"??

AB: If I show up in front of stadiums, the terror alert raises to the next level!

DN: Baaaaah. Tell me about those hot steaming nights in NYC late last year. I heard you got the kids all spooned out.

AB: I feel sorry for all them giblets, not only did we refuse rehearsing for months before departure but we sent 3 dudes out there in our place who pulled it off without a hitch.

DN: I said to myself when I saw some snaps, doesn't anyone notice that there is no black men on the stage?

AB: No one even noticed the difference except a couple of 'em bitched that there were no weapons of mass destruction.

DN: I heard you got some Harry Pottymouth hecklers?

AB: Indeed, some girlie whose papa works for the CIA started mis-reading the voodoo. My uncle used to work for the CIA and he told me that most agents aren't even qualified to sharpen my pencils.

DN: What about the City of Angels??

AB: The Troubador didn't advertise a lick! A small crowd but big fun. Britney Spearchucker's limo tried to pass our van in the alley behind the club but she wouldnt fit! Ricardo made em back up and go around. Met Eddie Flowers that night, he was cool, and Donald Jackson filmed us. Fuck L.A., though. They waste space and make the earth too heavy. Besides, Darby Crash is DEAD! Did you go there when you toured? Was it better for you?

DN: Nah we only did the east side of the empire. Would love to pop into L.A. for a couple of days though. Maybe try and find old hoot Gerber, though she is probably baking cookies in the mid-west now, daydreaming about Donny Rose's fat, long, wonderous tool. Now there was a weapon of mass destruction. I heard that Rick Ross was brought in to try and release Gocher from the Sun City cult.

AB: Yeah right, "tried" is the word. He'd never go willingly, it's like pulling a venus fly trap out by thee roots. Some TRY to resort to spells but we got all that covered. John Travolta was scared shitless!

DN: You showed him the Hubbard was bare?

AB: We pointed out that his nipples were inverted!

DN: You ever think about sleeping with Cathy O'Brien?

AB: No...she's a slut!

DN: So whats yr take on her mind-controlled sex-slave theory?

AB: Karmic retribution spans several incarnations so she must of pissed off something or someone awhile ago to place her in the clutches of the elitist occult debaucherers! When fucked-up shit happens to people, they deserve it! I ain't chompin on the carrot of empathy, world leaders have harnessed sex slaves for centuries, it's still quite common and most people are clueless. If the Cathy O'Brien tale is a fib, there are plenty factual ones to take its place!

DN: Well I heard that former Second Lady Marilyn Quayle is declaring Jihad against the sex ritual that is the Pap Smear.

AB: Must be the result of her insurance bill going unpaid cuz she couldn't hire a competent paper pusher! Her gynecologist must be Richard Gere! Some people are above the law! Do people always ask you: "Where do you get all this weird information?...on the internet?"

DN: Usually when I spew forth this information to friends it's been a long night and drinks have been taken, so I reckon they can't even understand my archaic tongue. You seem to be doing surprisingly ok, must be yr one ninth quality blood. I drank some Argentinian Malbec and covered side B of "Tubular Bells" in an evening or two, it's a fucking haze.

AB: Is that the side where Mikey says: "Acoustic guitar and introducing ELECTRIC GUITAR!"....No I think that's side A.......

DN: Yeah that's side A. On the upcoming split Seymour has Babs Manning introducing office supplies, it's real kinky. Old fart Oldfield has Basil Fawlty doing the intros on his new 30th anniversary re-do, since old Bonzo Dog bozo karked it.

AB: FUCK!...Somebody bring back the Alan Stivell Orchestra! I like his Celtic Symphony, makes me long for a Scottish lass I fell in love with. She used to handfeed Highland cattle, their mucus gets all over yer hands real sexy like, them longhairs!....I had to leave her for a SCG tour I foolishly scheduled a light year ago. I still got her undergarments.

DN: I love the way Scottish lassies get mucus all over your hands. Anyway the reason I brought up the "Tubular Bells" cover was I wanted to know how you limber yr muscles for the Morricone dazzle?

AB: I think I'm still in love with Linda Blair at 13 years old and she singlehandedly inspires me to sing Edda's parts and have the patience for the choral arrangements. It's all for her.

DN: A time honoured muse she surely is.

AB: I love the vibe of certain Morricone tracks so much that it becomes effortless to do them because I'm in love with them. One is Linda Blair and one is Ornella and one is Bardot. Have you been in my time machine yet? I'll take you there, they wait for us, they knew we'd be back.

DN: I recently read a theory that you can only go as far back as when the first time machine was invented.

AB: That makes sense to me, when was that?

DN: Fucked if I know. Did you read about that Wall Street trader who is getting busted for inside trading? He is claiming to be a time traveller from the 23rd century. Within two weeks he had turned $800 into $350 million.

AB: That's close to what we should get on our September 10th United Airlines put options which the CIA hasn't paid out yet to OSAMA, that fuck owes us so much money that he'll probably borrow it from Saddam to keep us happy! We won't be flyin' out to play them cave festivals in the Hindu Kush ever again! Osamie's henchmen keep complaining about our cameramen and then he defaults on our take of the door! Fuckin' AL QAEDA!

DN: They blew smoke up Oueen Elizabeth's ass, said they were gonna take out Gadaffi. Threw a stinkbomb at him in 1996, but nada.

AB: The Colonel's got 9 LIVES.

DN: One of his sons plays for Italian football team Perugia, he has lovely legs. I keep having wheezing flatliner bozos muttering in my ear about the 100's of hours of film that SCG have made, what gives?

AB: We're gonna be flippin' DVDs like frisbees right quick now and I'll be damned if every hackysack fuckstick won't be inside watchin', it's better than a noose around the neck.

DN: Hell, I just hope you stay true to betamax, Brother Ape.

AB: I like your new website, when's the "global bourbon download" being installed?

DN: Still waiting on Bad Ronald to install the non-ventilated listening booth. Let's talk movies. What happened with yr invite into Laird Henn-Korine's crack-shack?

AB: We was waitin' for him to come out! HE's the one who called US! Then his house burned down.

DN: I smell matches.

AB: Maybe he WILL come out but I ain't holdin' my breath. I been too busy since the 1950s!

DN: What flick was it you were supposed to be doing the soundtrack for, the guy who gets hit by lightning 3 times and becomes obsessed with growing the world's biggest pig, the size of a small horse I believe, or the one with BMXing, skydiving nuns?

AB: Never had a title, but it's the one about the PIG. Have you heard from Lairdy?

DN: Not for some long time, last I heard he was all "sand nigger this, sand nigger that," he had an air rifle which he used to take pot shots at immigrants from his Granny's roof.

AB: His producer's gonna get us an expense account at Cannes so we can show the French what "Anti-American" is all about!

DN: You play the Star Spangled Banner backwards and I will shit on Strom Thurmond's corpse while I set fire to Ann Coulter's Stars & Stripes thong.

AB: We'll also play "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" SIDEWAYS and then we could all piss in the swank cafe coke syrup cannisters, at $10 a glass, them yanks oughtta get somethin' out of it!

DN: We would no doubt be greeted by the usual Gallic shrug, damn frogs. Tell me about "Piasa" & "Juggernaut," no one I know has seen them and there is some fanboy grumblings that they may not exist.

AB: "Juggernaut" was finished in 1994 and I have some copies. It's a 30 minute film shot in Kiev I think. I actually like it! Mark Roman Bodnar was the director, haven't heard from him since. "Piasa" is like "Dulce," haven't been finished I suppose. I have the working footage for both. We do music so we put it out. We did OUR part. We don't fuck around. That's why I hate being called an artist or musician, cuz most of 'em take a lifetime to get one idea together. We go out and hustle our OWN fuckin' money and put shit out on our own without a boss or a funding grant, no executive producer telling us what to do. There ain't a soul who could direct us anyway. Wouldn't have a clue, like Bambi comin' into a den of predators. We'd eat them alive!

DN: Isn't the Piasa some kind of mid-western demon gloob?

AB: Yeah, a pterodactyl with hair that ate small children in the riparian environment of what is now Southern Illinois near the cliffs of the Mississippi River. There are still cave paintings of the beast you can find if you go.

DN: I got a couple of letters here from gob-lips, you mind if I apply their probes??

AB: Proceed, Monkadelic.

DN: F.O. Munter wants to know if there is any plans to re-release the "Princess Nicotine" LP.

AB: Not anytime soon....besides I got 34 more editions!

DN: And what about the "Sun City Girls," "Grotto of Miracles," I can only assume this is one of Mr. Munter's favourites as the writing gets quite exciting here and the paper has some noxious stains, oh, and "Horse Cock Phepner"???

AB: When I clear out my original sealed LP copies at top dollar on ebay, then we'll think about it! It's a buyer's market at the moment so he gunna have ta wait! I need to hustle money so I can't be called "an artist." Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

DN: Hmm, some dweeb called Governor Chavez would like to know what you did on C. Gocher Jr.'s birthday on last year's tour?? Why? I have no idea.

AB: We was drivin' thru Cali, we got a shortwave in the van. Had a blowout near Modesto. I was talkin' to Peter from Negativland on an experimental cell phone that afternoon, they're testin' it so I gave it a whirl. Charlie and I navigated thru fog that night with Bollywood tunes blowin' out the speakers! Smoked some cigarettes.

DN: Cloth Eared Buffon would like to know what's yr swivel on the Neti-Neti-Band . . .

AB: The Neti-Neti band is a Talisman, a shifting vehicular, it just spun through Iceland!

DN: Well old Cloth Ears here seems to think it's you and the boys doing hootin' and falutin' behind that little oriental pin-up Kang.

AB: The NETI-NETI is a shifting paradigm of players and slayers. We hang around a bit. No concrete here, only bamboo! So should we mention "Suga: da other white fuck"?

DN: Sure, I guess this is just some heavily funded Catsup Plate advertisement right? What should we speak of first?

AB: Well, C-Plate did such a fine job with yer solo "shield" slab, thats a GREAT record, I don't care WHAT the authorities say!

DN: Away you go. You're heating my Scotch Eggs.

AB: With "Sugar," I think it's only a few weeks after its release that one of us'll be tossed in a detainment camp for subliminal DNA reprogramming of selected individuals. Genetic engineering and listening to LPs has never been linked until now.

DN: Yessir!

AB: I guess I let the cat-outta-the-BAG! You got any prisoner facilities in the British countryside empty and awaiting those who love vinyl DNA to be incarcerated?

DN: The whole of Scotland except Glasgow, Edinburgh and the white trash in between is empty, a few sheep shaggers and that, but a nice detainment camp.

AB: Do you have the death penalty for "vinyl DNA engineering" over there?

DN: Blair may suck on the teat of Bumble Bush but them Nazi proteins ain't quite transferred from that mama milk. So tell the kids what the deal is with Korine's contribution to "side B"?

AB: He'd call up and leave these smokey Appalachian fungus ballads on my answering machine and as I remember, there's two of 'em propped-up in there on side B. They are exquisite! He was gonna fly out and record but that's before he went into hiding. He may be a better songsmith than a filmmaker.

DN: I am hoping if this baby sells well we can get some funding for our "Soundtrack to the Voynich Manuscript."

AB: If the manuscript really is 7 X 10 and 235 pages, sounds like a limited release of 235 with a page pasted on each cover. It'll pay for itself. Nothing is sacred, especially shit ya can't read!

DN: A Men.

AB: Whattupp with yo fascination with Patton and System of the Down? You into Rock Opera?

DN: Fuck Patton, I like the first Faith No More LP, I believe I have been mind controlled. As for System Of A Down, I like their bad facial hair, their weak anti-establishment stance and their 12 year old girl fans.

AB: I just saw one the other night...LIVE!

DN: A 12 year old girl?

AB: She was eleven goin' on 45!....No gravity....HEY, I hear you're readin' "Gravity's Rainbow"?

DN: Well hobo Drew Demeter who passed through left it here. I ain't tucked into it yet, been busy expanding my spandex mind reading the Mötley Crüe biography. Hell I would love to see Gocher kick Tommy Lee's ass, though strangely enough I could see Mick Mars in your band. You ever read any Willy T. Vollman??

AB: No but I wanna read "The Royal Family." I'm sure I know a few of his subjects.

DN: I have a garbled hunch that you would be well versed in the "Butterfly Stories."

AB: A cabbie buddy of mine in SF said he was pokin' around for the "hip-fog swirl" hooker rumoured to be in residence there. Vollman tips well!

DN: I heard he has a fat mushroom tip.

AB: Oh...and speakin' of tips, I know ya put up Algiers Chadly when he visited....did he tell ya the story about him and his fiancé gettin' bit by monkeys while they were apart halfway around the world? He was in Marrakesh and she in Asia, at the same time! Sound like TRUE LOVE??????

DN: Sounds like bad luck, Chadly is a hunk.

AB: Hey, I almost forgot to ask you . . .

DN: Spill.

AB: Is David Icke REALLY Scott Walker?

DN: Icke is a clueless fuckywit. I remember him from when I was a kid, presenting sports on TV, then he pulled out his Jew-whooping stick and started getting all green lizard on our ass. Is Scott Colburn REALLY George Martin?

AB: No....Georgie was never into BLACK METAL!

DN: I am kinda intrigued to what you and Rick's high school years was like, was it obvious to all around you from early on that you were fucking lumbering kooks?

AB: Only to those we terrorized. We had access to everything. We were hustling goods in high school. Our family owned an ARMY and NAVY surplus store and we started a black market trading gig at school selling Italian knives, bomber jackets, cans of mace, billy clubs and black jacks. We'd buy records with the loot, or steal 'em if clerks were lax! Those were the days you could cut classes all the time and not get penalized for it. All that time on our hands to fuck shit up!

DN: What kinda shit were you taking with the five fingered discount??

AB: You name it. We could walk out of a news stand with 10 items each. We ran a small inventory out of closets at home.

DN: Threads of theft?

AB: We wore those long, thick tube socks. 3 mags or books around each leg and 4 more around the waist under an oversized shirt. No fuckin' barcodes goin' off at the door back then!

DN: A golden age.

AB: "Retail shrinkage" was high in Saginaw circa 1970, as high as the murder rate. We'd walk into a department store and if no one was manning the record section, just grab a big shopping bag from behind the counter and start dumpin' LPs in the bag, walk out when it was full. We'd steal anything at any time, we were in business before we were teenagers, turnin' and BURNIN'! It killed the boredom but it became routine, and SO easy. We've paid for it since in many ways. Quit all that shit by the time we were 17.

DN: Lightweight.

AB: One of many rites of passage, live and learn. Now I watch the tax collectors steal from me everyday!

DN: What is the first music you can remember bending your mind??

AB: The "bending" came in stages. At first it was the fucked-up munchkin music from the Wizard of OZ and then...JIMI FUCKING HENDRIX!

DN: So who was the baddest in high school? You or our kid?

AB: We were both outsiders but Rick was more outgoing. He got a bit popular his last year when he started playin' guitar. A little Ted Nugent went a long way! The roles reversed a few years later....he became more reclusive and still is. We never really TRIED to be BAD, we were clever.

DN: You ever attend any high school reunions?

AB: No, I could never justify the cost of flyin' to Michigan and be subjected to whatever awaits at those gatherings. I'd get bored FAST and start shootin' me mouth off! Nuthin' but trouble.

DN: You ever see the Sun City Poms perform their geriatric gymnastics?

AB: No but I got one of their calendars. Now I think most of them submit photo galleries to the Huns' yellow pages.

DN: So I heard that you record absolutely everything, where you keep all the tapes??

AB: ALMOST everything. Tapes and masters and backups are spread around. I need some cheap Venezuelan assistants to help me.

DN: Venezuelan?

AB: They wouldn't care about the music and they'd get the job done. Its all getting too difficult to control and catalogue. I like the Venezuelans. I might be able to trust them.

DN: A student who tried to unify the pro and anti-Chavez camps with a football match was later detained by secret police and had his fingernails torn out, maybe he's your man?

AB: I was thinkin' females who know nothin 'bout music OR football! Drew said the "Bring Me The Head of Nick Cain" comp is almost done, when will the Decaer Pingpong tour dates manifest?

DN: That roo-roo is out of my hands now, I just compiled the smut, hell it shaped up good, a free flowing fart of mostly beat free short wave radio appreciating hobos & spiritual grease-paint grongos. What do you remember of the SCG cuts?

AB: NUTHIN!...Which is usually the case after I farm out a comp cut or two....It's a surprise when it's done cuz I can't remember what I sent. You got some creepy little farm country in the north, ever take a ride out to SUMMERISLE?

DN: Sadly no, I do like to beat the apple trees though, and cooking a copper can't be a bad thing.

AB: Did ya hear that Hollywood is makin' the WICKER MAN again set over here?

DN: That Coppal slug prick Cage in the lead, I hope something goes wrong with the stunts and he's burned alive in a huge wicker penis, like they do to pedophiles over here.

AB: Yeah, we could only HOPE! Somehow the whole epic plot will default and they'll parade Cagey through the downtown streets of Dallas and snipe him from the gutter, Bush-league style! HEY...who killed KENNEDY? Any of 'em or all? Thought since you were UK, ya might have a better source cuz Mick Jagger seemed to know a while back, then he blamed it on YOU and ME.

DN: I heard that Jagger got them construction workers to stick a Haitian chocolate bar up Brian Jones's corpse's anus, turned him into a zombie, and Jagger sent him back in a time machine to do the nasty.

AB: That explains it!...What's your favorite cigarette?

DN: Me no smokey, try to keep my white lungs pure, that way my body can concentrate all its replenishing energies on the liver and kidneys. The Native Americans done you hoodlums in good with that pipe of piss, now the Africans have the electric Ju-Ju on y'all.

AB: I sure hope so....Waitin' for it to kick-in!

Alvarius B & Dylan Nyoukis "SUGAR: The Other White Meat" LP should be out any moment on Catsup Plate. www.catsupplate.com