#17, NOVEMBER 2004




Uncle Jim has been quite the enigma ever since he first appeared on the first Sun City Girls album (I think, I've never actually heard it). A man of great mystery, and power, I will let him tell his story for himself. My questions are in bold, his are regular, as Mark Prindle would say.

We'll start out with a question from the Sun City Girls email discussion list. Ok, "When will you reissue Torch of the Mystics?" WHAT THE FUCK? Ok, no more questions from the Internet Fans. Alright, first real question: When I was in elementary school, 5th grade roundabouts, before class there would be little 'desk exercises' broadcast over the PA, I can't remember a whole lot about them, except I remember "Yoga in your seat", and "A walk across America" as being a few of them. Whattaya think the chances are I was brainwashed by this? The school Principal WAS a shriner.

Well there fella, ya gotta tip-toe past a Tapanuli Tombstone and wager that, ONE out of every 900 shriners is a Jackpot Atheist goin for yer Jugular and he'll stop at nothing to dissect yer ancestry and sprinkle Okapi Seman in your hair when you're not lookin! As for brainwash, the whole damn loony-schoolastic is all about that, whether it's over the PA system or smack dab up the thin-striped-skirt with a number 2 pencil! I knew a chalkboard midget who car-bombed an overhead projector once....he thought it was an instrument of deception. That Buick LeSabre took out twice as many kids than the Four Horsemen of Columbine! Ya didn't read about THAT one, now did ya, Norelco!

Actually, I DID read about that, though who knows if it was the full story, heard a fellow by the name of W. Clopes was the real wheel man behind it all. Maybe I need to recheck w/ the 'sources'. And I've got a beard, at least a finger pinch length, I've heard Allah prefers it that way, as well as good old "Jesus". Nothing wrong with hedging the bets is there?

Not at all....as long as you're clever enough to hedge your hedge! There's a white robe south of Jakarta that turned my five-O-clock shadow into a criosote thicket quicker than a fedex up the skirt of Madame Blavatsky!

So, how about you give us a short biography of yourself?

I've had a very checkered career. I was born long before you were and I'll be dead-again well after you are. My childhood did not last long....about 3 weeks. My textbook behavioral-engineering classes were fortunately terminated early by a Megalomaniac Badui Priest who sold me to Bohemian Grove and doctored my electric shaver so by the time I hit the age of INVINCIBLE, I had already become a gun-running, spy-thief, dukun philanderer worthy of six-figure paychecks for jobs intentionally left undone. A geologic comma later, I coined the phrase "African Netherlander" during a speech I made at the Dahomey Hoofed-Mammal Conference in Rotterdam to a touring pack of Wall Street Chiwallas and within three months "Netherlander" was replaced by "American" and gently dream-weaved into the collective psyche of the United States by the Gary Wright administration. Four years later, the word NIGGER grew a malignant breast tumor and ever since, people started lookin' like dead timber! The past 25 years gets foggy, I'll have to consult the Ghengis Necro-Nama-KHAN and send the meat of the text via carrier pigeon, GUY!

This old hippie woman told me that the "kind bud" the kids these days smoke is sprayed with chemicals and
totally unnatural, that's where the crystals come from. Are we better off smoking white trash dirt weed?

You're better off smokin with confidence and an atom smashing humidifier....gives ya some throat magic and keeps the bud "kindly-likely resin-gatekeeper happy". Otherwise, it's a stencil on the third lung if ya got one and if you don't, ya might as well join hands with Billy Joe McCallister and jump off the Tallahassee Bridge!

Regarding the ol Vaporizimer, those get a bit spendy don't they? Seems like the domain of those Frat Shaggies with pukka shell necklaces and glow in the
dark stars on the ceiling, then try and off themselves end of the semester. I don't really desire to soiree with those clowns, any other sociological types who would have the necessary hardware?

I spend nothing and you've got a map so let's get on with
it!......Theres a field outside Guatemala City where they grow wild! Ya gotta hump a plump dumpling to gain access, but why suck shit-wind, when Kalki's horse is at the hitchin' post?

Speaking of smoking, what are your favorite brand of
'coffin nails'? Also, what's your favorite cigarette brand?

"Global Dis-Orientalia" is a fine carton to buy at crate-rates, that is, if you know the Lebanese manufacturers workin the Lagos scene....they've also been faxing stray idiots with a money-transfer scheme....somethin about givin people 500K to switch funds outta Oil-Cartel hach-swill! Don't matter what coffin nails ya use, cuz ya can't kill a Scorpio!

Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about a recent Wire article
which mentioned that it is important not to succumb to
"Armchair Orientalism"? Is this some new disease like
Chicken Flu? Will smoking Global Dis-Orientalia help or harm one further?

Sam Rivers and I used to print phony Chinese Yen on a Yacht off the coast of Macau. Whats important to anyone ain't my insignia. Importance was beheaded in the 14th century and its ghost still floats in a brass ashtray. Sam and I used to work graveyard puffin GDO's, cacklin like strangled jaguars....adding names on the hour, EVERY hour, to invisible Hit-Lists....and that was years before HE stockpiled grenades and I caressed a snub-nosed 38! I saw his Downbeat magazine armchair blindfold test in the mid-70's
....he gave em all 5 stars! You can bet a double-hedge thicket at even money that he wanted to kill-em ALL!

In your many travels, have you ever come across this
Catalunian bro, goes by the name of El Tio Cojones?

Sure, he also goes by "Andre, the Caracal". Exchanged saliva samples with him 'bout 20 years ago in an 11th-hour swivel to free the one-eyed Pope-scope "Ali Agca" but it backfired like a limp petunia in a hooded crackpipe!

As we all know, the Grateful Dead, Doors, Hendrix, et al, were created by MK-ULTRA, but there hasn't been much written these days about the current Musical
Stars. Got any 'hot tips' for us? Or any 'old dirt'
on the past singin' saps?

Now they stamp 'em with a day-glo fart bubble and tootsie-pop 'em right on stage! Its a manufacturer's dream, guy! A warehouse in Orlando, 43 journalists, Carlos Lehder's goon squad, and the black box from a dead golfer's runaway jet is all the overhead they need to do business. They used to have to KILL their creations....now they're born DEAD! Clean.....real CLEAN these days, fellas!

Where were you the night John Kerry and GW Bush
jerked each other off in Taft's coffin as part of their Skull and Bones Society initiation?

Now let's get one thing straight there, hemoglobin, even though it all sounds like one big happy family over there at Yale, it's not nearly the case! There's Pig-bloat competitiveness bred like Arabian horse stock in them
chambers and the blue-blood farmer's sex mates are always the "drifter stock" and never the Royal Fancy types, so both of them dew-hickeys were jerkin squirrel meat instead of pocket-lobby Moguls and whoever steals the footage gets an Anthrax sandwich or a Bird-Flu casserole.....so watch what you eat next time you flog the food court.....could be a Dog Rummy casket waitin for a well-intentioned whistleblower!

My bro Twig was telling me about a race of lizards
who mated with certain humans, creating hybrids, who
now run most of the world. Do you have any tips on
dealing with these reptilian overlords?

Sever your FEAR GLANDS. Let that juice drip like a horn-slut nympho draped over a Pinnochio rooster beak! That's right GUY, never let 'em see you sweat! Use infrared light and line-up AT LEAST 17 alibis, cuz I used 14 and they got as close as 3 blocks away as I filled the last cup!

For enough Uncle Jim to make the entire FCC put in their two weeks notice, obtain the VHS tape The Halcyon Days of Symmetry and the double CD Carnival Folklore Resurrection Radio, both available (as of this writing) from: