HZMT "Castle of Otronto" (Mark Tapes) CDR
A very good album by Mark Anthony Miller, who was nice enough to give me one of all his merchandise he had for sale at No Fun Fest! I have no idea what the title is in reference to, but instead of a track listing there is a frightening poem. “ascending stairs, she looked at me, voices from the walls, I strangled her –over and over, it was my mom, his majesty breathes through the walls, am I alive –don’t think I’ve escaped too late for suicide in the castle of otronto”. Yipes, it sounds like a frightening place, that castle! The music is less frightening, for me at least, but then again I am used to this kind of stuff. It would probably make a good soundtrack for a horror movie though. It sounds like rewired electronics, but not really the overloaded ADD style that a lot of the “circuit benders” today use, Anthony lets the instruments breathe and it is sort of minimalist, but not in the boring sense. If you have insomnia and are trying to sleep, this would probably keep you awake because you’d want to listen all the way through, but if you were very tired, this would be nice to listen to as you drift off. I guess I am just saying it is minimalist because it is being made by just one dude. This album is a good length, 15 minutes. Actually all these albums by Tony are good lengths too, even the ones that last longer. There are a couple little snippets of other people on the last two tracks, one is some sort of choir hollering, and another is a loud radio snip. Listening to this on headphones, I feel totally high, and I keep on thinking about this dream I had last night where I talked to a giant frog. He instructed me on something, but I can’t remember what.

Metalux "Diversion of the Left and Right" (no label) CDR
The cover of this album was drawn by fellow Blastitude writer Bonnie Banks, I think. I don’t know, I just saw this online gallery of her drawings, and it’s totally the same style, psychedelic robotic organic creature people with text on the figures style. Anyways, whether Bonnie drew it or not, it’s a good looking cover. If she didn’t, and if it was a member of Metalux who drew it, Bonnie should be ashamed, for totally RIPPING OFF IDEAS! Or vice versa. Ahem. The first track is really good, it starts off with some broken beats (or “breakbeats” as I think they are called, when they are talking about a totally different style of beat, a beat that isn’t broken AT ALL!) Then some metal guitar starts, then some singing and then the song ends! What more do you need for a song? NOTHING! You know, even though Metalux are one of my all time favorite bands, I have talked to a couple people from Chicago who will go unnamed who said they didn’t really care for Metalux when they played at No Fun Fest. They totally ruled there though! Everyone from Chicago is fucking retarded! Metalux are like everything good about psychedelic music, minus the bullshit, like song structure. Maybe they don’t like them because Metalux isn’t a very good band name. It’s fairly generic, don’t you think? And this is coming from someone who used to be in a band called Carl Patrick. Metalux sort of sounds like a name that Gene Simmons would come up as a new “snazzier” name for National Public Radio. But Metalux is the name they came up with, and they have enough albums out now where I don’t even care about the name anymore. Band names are pretty much ALWAYS stupid anyways. From here on out the name Metalux means only one thing: KWALITY U KAN TRUST!

HZMT “Transizzt” (Mark Tapes) CDR
A nice lil couple of songs, “folkbore” and “monkeytalk” on the CDR format, which is good because I don’t have a working record player right now. Folkbore starts off with a soothing throb of machine running washes, peaceably massaging my lobes like a boring folk musician whose performance at a coffee shop I am attending, while high enough on oxycontin, bourbon, and, hmm, marijuana perhaps, let’s say? For me to totally be able to ignore the onslaught of bad vibe poetry and instead listen to the textural hum of the blood rushing through my ears. A yes, a “Folk Bore” indeed. Oh wait, since it is a coffee shop I’d probably be hitting the coffee pretty hard too, and there is a bit of jittery paranoia that comes with the music as well! Or perhaps that is due to the ephedrine which I have taken, on top of the aforementioned drugz. Ah, a fine young lass is trying to catch my eye! She sees the book I am reading, “Holy Blood Holy Grail”, and she has read it herself! Unfortunatley I had a bit too much of the bourbon, and I just remembered that I smoked some mushrooms with my buddy Smelko before I ventured out into the mean streets. My attempt to convey my belief that the Knights Templar in fact possessed Jesus’s actual HEAD which was a cornerstone (the one the builders rejected) of one of their rituals, has instead come out a slurry blur. A pint of fear arises in her eyes, and she carefully edges off and out the door, as I stare into the lights and see spurts of blue black appear around the edges. Another lay waylaid by the folkbore.
      Then the monkeytalk starts, and it’s that time of night and everything turns out fine after all, though there isn’t any “touching the junk”, some good, though insane chatter happens, and friendships are formed. What is better than friendship?
      In conclusion, Transizzt is a good tool for helping you make friends with your brain, and it comes in an edition of 8! That’s a good numerical amount for lots of things!

Ultralyd “Chromosome Gun” (Load Records) CD
Boom bap boom bap boom bap jazz! Rock and roll rock and roll lord how I love to rock and roll! If you like to jazz out and rock out at the same time, but think the Flying Luttenbachers are “overrated” (note: they aren’t actually overrated, hardly anyone likes em!) then this is the album for you! Or maybe not. I don’t know, this is maybe a little too rock and roll for me sometimes, though the saxophone playing is always top notch. It is by Frode Gjerstad. Anders Hana plays the guitar, Kjetil Brandsdal jams the bass, and Morten J. Olsen hits the drums. Wait, why did I say it was too rock and roll? Now the rock seems fine. And it’s only a little bit over a half hour long too, which is the perfect amount of time for the album to last. I just realized I should be supporting these guys more, since they are from Norway, which is MY ethnic background! What kind of a white supremacist would I be if I didn’t support Ultrayd? Well actually, I guess if I was ACTUALLY a white supremacist I’d be upset by all the “negro influence” in this band. And also I’d probably get upset with myself over the fact that I pretty much hate every Scandanavian country EXCEPT Norway! Sheesh, it’s a good thing I am not a white supremacist!

Controlled Bleeding “Shanked and Slithering” (Hospital Productions) CD
Huh, the first time I listened to this I thought it sounded totally nice and soothing and warm in a tape fuzz sort of way, but THIS time listening to it, it sounds like your standard knob twiddling banging metal yelling noise band. But done super well, make no mistake, if I’m in the mood for some heavy old school noises, I will pop this in and start jamming out like a electrocuted horse! It is interesting how different this sounds from the first time I listened to it though! That’s one thing I like about noise, lots of people are talking shit about it these days, from Tom Smith with his preference for drum and bass, to Robert Hair Police, listening to his Nillsson, but you never really get the full spectrum of one album sounding completely different on repeated listens like you do with improvey noisey noises albums. What sounds like a half robot half tiger dentist sticking a taser inside his half dead ass one time, sounds totally like a nature hippy goddess sticking a stick of cinnamon in her half alive tracheotomy hole another time! Anyways, these Controlled Bleeding dudes have been around for quite some time now, and one of em is also in Breast Fed Yak, who I think I remember liking, though where I heard them before I can’t for the life of me remember! TOP NOTCH, HOLMES!

HZMT "Scorpion Minds Sndtrk/Live at DAS Sndtrk" (Mark Tapes) tape
HOSTIEL 2 S3LF-2RM3NT TEH VANE EXCUSAS CAL3D DEVOTION QUEEGS SATISFEID TEH HABIT BY SPEAKNG LOUDLY UN2 HIS S3LF AND AT ON3 TIEM R3TURNNG 2 FMILIAR CONSCIOUSNAS HE WAS VEXED 2 NOTIEC INTER3ST3D HAAERRS-A RABL3 OF INVOLUNTARY M3NDICANTS PARIAHS WHOREMONG3RS ADULTAR3RS DISTEND3D BELLIES AND TEH PR3VAELNT SICK-GROTESQUES TAHT OBTANE IN CIVILISATIONS1!1!1 WTF LOL HIS IRITATION WAS MUCH YET STIL THAY PEST3RED HIM SAYNG MAST3R W3 WUD L3ARN OF THESA THNGS!!1!! WTF TEACH US RELIGION
AND!!1! OMG WTF SING WIT CHAGRIN TEH HOPEFUL MULTITUDE OF BLEIVERS HA WENT DOWN IN2 DA VALEY OF MISSISSIPPI PREJUDIECD AGANEST THAM AS FOLOW3RS!!111!1 AND WHAN HE WAS ENUY3 HA OPANED HIS MOUTH IN DERISION SAYNG-
O YA WHOSE FUTURE IS IN OTHER HANDS!1!!!!1! OMG WTF LOL THIS FMILIARITY IS PERMIT3D NOT OF THY-BUT OF MAH IMPOT3NC311!!!1! KNOW M3 AS QUEEGS DA GOATHERD SAVIOUR OF MYS3LF AND OF THOSE THNGS I HAEV NOT YET REGR3T3D111!1!1 WTF LOL UNBID3N YE LIST3ND 2 MAH SOLILOQUY1!1! OMG WTF ANDURA TH3N MAH ANATHEMA
FU!!11 OMG WTF LOL FEDERS!11! WTF SLIPED R YA ON UR OWN 3XCREMANT?!??!?!!! WTF PARASIETS!!11!1!1 WTF LOL HAVNG MAED TEH WORLD LOUSY IMAGIEN YE R OF SIGNIFICANC3 2 HEAEVN
DASIRNG?!!?? WTF 2 LAARN-THINK YE 2 3SCAEP HURT IN TEH RAEP OF UR IGNORANCE??????!!? OMG FOR OF WUT I PUT IN FAR MORA THAN INOCANCE SHAL COME OUT!1!1!!1 LABOURNG NOT TEH HARVEST OF MAH W3AKN3S SHAL I UR MORAL-F3D DESIERS SATISFY
I?!?!?!!! OMG WTF WHO ENJOY MAH BODY WIT UNWEARY TRAAD WUD RATHER PAK WIT WOLV3S THAN 3NTER UR P3ST-HOUSES
SENSATION!11111! OMG LOL !!1!1!1 WTF LOL !!!1!!1 OMG NUTRITION 11!!!11! OMG WTF 1!11!!1! LOL 1!11! OMG LOL MASTICATION 1!1!1 OMG WTF LOL !1!! LOL 1!11 OMG WTF !11! LOL PROCR3ATION 1!1!1 OMG 11!!11!1 OMG LOL !!!11 OMG LOL !11!1 OMG LOL THIS IS UR BLIND-WORM CYCLE!1!1 OMG Y3 HAEV MAED A CURIOUSLY BLODY WORLD FOR LOVE IN D3SIER!!!1 OMG LOL SHAL NOTHNG CHANGA AXCEPT THROUGH UR ACUSNG DEIT?????!??! OMG WTF LOL

HZMT the patch
So I got a HZMT patch from Anthony too, when he was giving me all sorts of things he made! I picked out this one because it had the most colors on it (I was very drunk, whitecrossed, and hazed at the time), but it turns out those colors were in fact forming a person from the children’s cartoon (and videogame, and I think collectible trading card game too), Dragonball Z! The patch is made from a pillow, I am pretty sure. Anyways, the logo for the show was still on there, but I cut that part off because I HATE corporate logos, but I think the rest of the patch looks great! It looks very sporty combined with my Hair Police “Gnarly Times” patch!

Fe-Mail ftng Lasse Marhaug “All Men Are Pigs” (Gameboy Records) CD
More music from Norway! And another supercollab! This cd is super good. Pitchforkmedia dot com even says so, they gave it an 8.1! Of course Pitchfork is wrong once again, this release clearly deserves a 9.7 AT LEAST! 8.9 on a bad day! Or, just maybe, the idea of giving numbers to albums is completely ridiculous! Anyways, the cd is real solid through and through, nice combination of textures, and just the right amount of repetition. And the second track features some “Purple Haze” in the mix, that’s always good. Just a taste though, then some tapey manipulation totally plongs your brain in all the right ways. A nice psychedelic peace vibe through the whole thing, and the love continues inside the cover, with a picture of the girls of Fe-Mail posing with Lasse, who has a big lipstick kiss on his forehead! Even though he has one of those horrible “baseball goatees”, also known as “shit rings” or “dick targets”. The front cover has a drawing of a woman with a huge bosom wearing a white t-shirt, and holding a gigantic gun in front of her crotch area. It’s pretty funny! I would say if I was freaking out while on psychedelic drugs, or having a psychotic breakdown, this would be a good record to calm me down.

Wolf Eyes “Dog Jaw” (Heresee) CDR
This is probably my favorite Wolf Eyes release yet! No song titles, which is fine with me, because I can never keep straight what song is what anyways! I really like track 2 on here, it’s some echoed out tape manipulation with Nate doing some sick moaning over it. But sick in a very spiritual way, not sick in an “uhhhh, that’s a very creative way of using photoshop” way. (Which Nate has been rumored to do as well. Naw, not really). This whole album has pretty much all the best elements of Wolf Eyes, except there aren’t any of the “rockers”, it’s all just jamming with low bass, echoes, fuzz, and high pitched weed. There are also some dogs barking, which is always good to hear. Oh, and the title is a neat trick you can play on people, you say “Have you heard my dog jaw”? and you kind of move your jaw a little bit. When they lean in close to you to try and hear it, you bark at them really loud, “WOOF WOOF WOOF!” It’s pretty hilarious, I did it to my mom one time and nearly peed my pants! (From laughing at my mom, who nearly peed her pants in startle.)

Blood Stereo “Live At Sonic Protest” (Chocolate Monk) CDR
Speaking of dogs, this CD has some husky dogs on the cover! Awwww, they are so cute! It was recorded in Paris in 2004, and features Karen Constance, and Dylan Nyoukis, w/ Milch Grand. Who is Milch Grand? I can’t remember, I know I’ve heard the name before though. I am also not sure what the Sonic Protest was about. Hmm, I just looked it up on the Chocolate Monk website, but it just has a quote from Hicham Chadley in Blastitude. I guess I could look it up there, but I won’t bother, that magazine’s really been going down hill lately! The show seems to have been mostly guitar feedback and tape manipulation, but wait, I just found out this was mangled by Karen, so I guess I have no idea what the fuck is going on, it’s just some good sounds! Who cares how they were made? Even though it would be interesting to find out, just like I should really find out how frogs make those weird noises so loud! I think I will do that now.

Pengo “Damaged Casket” (Hippie Overlord) CDR
Daaaamn! Has Pengo made any BAD albums? This is in an edition of 50 but I wish it was more, and is two tracks, which I also wish was more! The first one starts out with a two note low bass groove, with some e-bowed guitar (or something) doing some high pitched diddles over it. Then the super catchy folk guitar comes in, with some muffled drum machine beats, and a repetitive high pitched noise. I always think it is good when bands mix up ranges of frequency. Good looking cover, it has Pengo pictured as a 4 headed beast with small creepy hands, and connected to a stalk of some kind. The back has an advertisement for an 800 number that sells caskets (or possibly repairs them). Track 2 is from some German radio show, which they played over the phone. It’s pretty funny when the Germans talk at the beginning, and try to figure out how to pronounce Pengo! The music starts with some layered vocals of John Schoen talking some sort of jibber jabber, I think they are trying to figure out how to work the phone contraption. It sounds pretty good for being recorded over the phone, it’s an interesting fidelity to work with. They jam mightily, as always. In conclusion, this is one “damaged casket” you WON’T need to “repair”! HAHAHA!

Sleeping With The Earth “Waiting” (Chondritic Sound) 3” CDR
Man, that movie Sleeping With The Earth was a good one, the one with Julia Roberts where it turns out her husband turns out to be…PLANET EARTH! Or maybe that wasn’t actually a movie. It is a band though, a band of one man named Eric Christopherson from Portland Oregon. It’s a really nice looking package too, actually all Chondritic’s covers are good. And I am not normally a fan of 3”ers, they usually look crappy, but Chondritic’s always are extremely aesthetically pleasing, nice artwork and well spray-painted CDs. This one has a black and white photo of a woman who looks like a silent era film star, and there’s also a goth vibe to it. The good kind of goth though, not the platform heels and lunchbox kind. The songs all pretty melancholy sounding, low bass hums with washes over them, and some dim echoed out vocals. A perfect soundtrack…for murder!

R.L. Stein “What Ever Happened To Freenoise?” (Breathmint) CD
Hmmm, I may be wrong above, this may actually be a CDR. The CD has an American Flag design, and the Breathmint logo, but that might just be drawn on. If it is a CDR, it’s a damn good design! I took it out and it IS a CDR, who makes this kind? The title also poses a good question, what did happen to the freenoise discussion board? It used to have all sorts of drama, and now it’s just show listings. The music on here is pretty swingin’, it’s some free rock songs. I wish the songs had titles, I bet they’d be good! It seems to be recorded live. The first track has some guy talking on it, and he sounds sort of like Richard Meltzer on the Smegma albums, but this guy is real low in the mix, so you can’t understand anything he’s saying, ever. It still sounds cool though. The guitars and drums play themes of failure, despair, paranoia, but ultimately, triumph. The triumph is pretty far down the road though. On the cover is an old man wearing a hat, whose complete upper torso is made of a birdcage, with two birds in it. The second track has some backwards tape loud blarey noises. It’s kind of dumb, but it’s short! Track 3 starts out with some chinky metal banging and some dude singing all dramatically in a cavemannish fashion. Then one or two voices come in and they attempt some harmonies, sounding sorta like Three Dog Night when the band was all smacked out and their penises were exploding. (Note: check out Chuck Negron’s autobiography Three Dog Nightmare to read more about this delightful tale!) Then everyone starts hissing, and saying “quiet time”, then someone says “that’s enough” and the song is over! If R.L. Stine ever comes to your town to play, go check em out, I guarantee they’ll give you “goosebumps”!

Deathpile “G.R.” (Hospital Productions/Force of Nature) CD
This is a concept album and the concept is: A chilling glimpse into the mind…of a shoplifter! Actually it is not, it’s about a serial killer, the Green River killer. And the musical genre is…power electronics! They are some nice sounding power electronics though, heavy on the bass, and the vocals sound good. I am pretty sure lots of people out there would call this “generic”, but those same people would probably call Negative Approach a generic hardcore band. Fuck em! The lyrics are pretty good, and scary! They seem to be pretty well researched, there are dates given and the stories all seem like they could’ve happened, and I am sure some of them are actual quotes from the guy. However, I know pretty much nothing about the Green River killer, so I couldn’t say for sure, I don’t even know the guy’s name! And my brother is using the internet right now, so I can’t look it up. From the lyrics though, apparently the guy was very crazy, and killed LOTS of prostitutes! One track is called “Known Victims” and it’s just some atmospheric synths while a woman reads a list of all the known victims with minimal details, and it’s 12 minutes long! I probably won’t listen to this that often, but when I’m in the mood for some spooky songs about serial killing, this is the album I will put on!

Nautical Almanac “Something” (8mm Records) CDR
Wow, this is one of the best cover’s I’ve ever seen! It’s an extra big cardboard case with a completely beautiful psychedelic design by Carly Ptak. Inside the information is printed on the back of a very nice photograph of the group, who are named as Cpteek, Thirpor, and Mesiburgr. Like the album above, these songs are about killers, but in this case the criminals in question were “murdering” the charts with their smash hit records! The songs are called “INXS”, “Smashing Pumpkings”, and “Kraftwork”. The music is pretty much just “classic style” Nautical Almanac mindswaggle gloms and blorps and whatnot. It sounds great to me now, but the other day I listened to it, and it seemed like the most annoying thing ever! I think I’d just got home from a crap day at my job though, and working with a bunch of hick morons and racist college students would make anyone crazy. Fortunately I quit that job, so I will be able to enjoy this from here on out, see?

HZMT “Secretions From The Laboratory” (Mark Tapes) CDR
In the 5th Year of George W. Bush, president of the United State, Quegs listened to secretions from the laboratory and had a dream and visions of his head upon his bed, then he wrote the dream, and told the sum of the matters.
Quegs spake and said, I saw in my vision by night, and, behold, the four winds of the heaven strove upon the great sea.
      And four great beasts came up from the sea, diverse one from another.
      The first was like a lion, and had eagle’s wings, I beheld till the wings therof were plucked, and it was lifted up from the earth, and made stand upon the feet as a man, and a man’s heart was given to it.
      And behold another beast, a second, like to a bear, and it raised up itself on one side, and it had three ribs in the mouth of it between the teeth of it, and they said thus unto it, Arise, devour much flesh.
      After this I beheld, and lo another, like a leopard, which had upon the back of it four wings of a fowl, the beast also had four heads, and dominion was given to it.
      After this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible, and strong exceedingly, and it had great iron teeth, it devoured and brake in pieces, and stamped the residue with the feet of it, and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it, and it had ten horns.
I considered the horns, and behold, there came up among them another little horn, before whom there were three of the first horns plucked up by the roots, and behold, in this horn were eyes like the eyes of a man, and a mouth speaking great things.

Glamourous Pat (as Transparent Pat) “Music For Cracked Cases” CDR
This was originally released on a cassette in a cracked case, thus the name, but my version is on CDR, in a nice little transparent case which has been spraypainted. The cover has Pat with his face contorted by Photoshop into a hideous visage, which looks remarkably similar to how Twig Harper looks ALL the time! The music is quite foreboding, with lots of glunky black beats and whispered demon vocals. But when you meet the actual Pat, he is quite a gentleman, and he even wears facial glitter sometimes! Uh oh, I just realized that all these reviews have been positive! And after I’d just read an article in some free paper which mentioned “losers on the internet praising all sorts of obscure releases”! The gist of the article was that reviewing music is a skill that can only be learned with time, and an editor guiding your hand, and the ability to pick apart music and see how it works! (And a limitless supply of free promotional CDs too, presumably.) And I haven’t been doing ANY of that! (Me neither!! -- ed.) But even though to have any sort of journalistic credibility whatsoever, I should say the CD sucks, I just can’t. And even if I did, Roland Woodbe’s comments on Glamorous Pat in the last couple issues of Bananafish were a million times better than any joke I could come up with! I can’t remember what they were, exactly, but it involved Calvin Johnson, and that guy’s just all around comedy gold. I guess I can still make this sort of like a respectable review you’d see in a free paper though, here goes. “Cracked Cases is quite a slab o wax, sounding like Block Party meets the Replacements…ON ACID! 3/5.5 stars.”

Hive Mind and Luasa Raelon “Night Maintenance” (Chondritic Sound/Snip Snip) CD
Well, I know Hive Mind is Greh from Chondritic Sound, a real “Mountain Dew chugger” as the Bull Tongue column said. I assume they weren’t making fun of him, since I know those dudes are nice, but my brother who lives in Boston told me that people on the East Coast consider Mountain Dew to be a pop (or “sodey” as I believe they call it) that hicks drink! I guess it is sort of true though, now that I think about it, it’s probably the most popular beverage at the warehouse I work at. But I drink it a lot too. I have no idea where I am going with this. Anyways, the other guy is from Columbus. I am pretty sure I’ve seen the name around, but I have no idea what or who Luasa Raelon is. From the sound of it, some sort of sphinx alien. People throw the “drone” label at Hive Mind’s music pretty often, myself included (not in print though, I don’t think) but I guess Greh don’t like that. It isn’t quite drone when you listen to it, so I see where he’s coming from. More of a buzz or a purr. Buzz music we should call it, since it’s a hive and all. The CD cover is on heavy stock and the picture is of some sort of root and brush system. Forest shit, when I empty my mind while listening to this, and picture a door, and slowly open that door what I see is a black squirrel in a tree with a glint in his eye. Somewhat menacing, but I am in no real danger. Without the proper mindset I would be, though. When purchasing a Hive Mind recording, if you have never meditated for 3 days on a rotting corpse, caveat emptor!

Excepter “Throne” (Load Records) CD
Oh man I am starting to get a little freaked out. Remember that HZMT review I wrote a bit back there where it sounds like I am quoting from the Bible? Well I was, it’s from the book of Daniel. Anyways, I was planning on reviewing this Excepter album before I wrote that review even, only I hadn’t received it in the mail yet. So I DO get it in the mail, and on the inside cover it says “Daniel 7:09”. So I look it up, and it’s the verse IMMEDIATELY after the LAST verse I wrote in the HZMT review! Pretty strange form of synchronicity, maaaaan! Well, about this album, it’s a good one, the best by Excepter yet, I think! Well at least as good as the live tape on the Beast 666 label. Much more spaced out, and less dancy. Maybe dancy isn’t the word I am looking for. I don’t know, I probably would’ve used the quoting the bible “trick” instead for this album, if I hadn’t already done that. The thing this music probably reminds me most of is back when I’d chug some Robotussin and close my eyes and I’d be on some sort of ride of some sort, one time it was a big train car filled with autumn leaves. Another time it was a hollowed out log on a river of lava. Another time it was a crystal pod hurtling through outer space. This sort of sounds like all those at once. Oh yes, the vocals are a high point, they were always great, but better than ever, great whispery mercurial demon stuff sometimes, and holy guardian angelic beauty others! And the last song is called “(The Ass)”, which is always a good name for a song! (But it has to be spelled with the parentheses to be good. -- ed.) It ends with some ocean sounds, which I wish would’ve gone on longer. The CD is only 33:33 long, there was plenty of more room! Still, it is still good to see people putting out CDs at reasonable lengths. And a little over a half hour is pretty much perfect!

Leslie Keffer “Pollutes” (Action Claw) CDR
Wow, this is easily the most beautiful packaging for a CD that I own! Even a blind person could enjoy this, since it feels good to touch too. A fuzzy cover, and then tassels on the sides as well? The only problem is that the entire cover comes off when you open the case, so you have to be really careful not to break it! The recording sounds good too, it’s a bit lo fi, but that’d be because it’s live. Live in Athens OH, Winter of 2005, except for one track that was recorded in Miami. This is a reissue of a tape that was on Gameboy Records, a very fine label. The songs are very good, textures and waaahs and hums. Every now and then a bit of melody is allowed to blossom, but then dies, like a cherry blossom, or a samurai warrior who is inspired by cherry blossoms! Or like Leslie, strangling an old woman at a hot dog eating contest while in the midst of a blackout rage! Speaking of drinking, I ended up cadging (is that even a word? I think it is, but it doesn’t look right. Is it Brittish? God, I hope not!) a whole bunch of Leslie Keffer merch, so I better save some of my metaphors for those, since I promised I’d review them ALL! Anyways, you should totally get this if you can, but it’s an edition of 30 for the tour, so you probably can’t. Because surely the tour is over by now. You might as well just stick a sword in your gut like the aforementioned samurai.

Various Artists “Patchouli and Echoes” (Chocolate Monk/Temple of Be 777) dbl CDR
I hope I have that 777 label name right. It’s the old Beast 666 label, or at least the same guy does it. Man, this double CD has been in the works for a loooong time! I remember reading about it in Bananafish like 5 years ago, maybe even longer. Well worth the wait though, this is probably my favorite various artists compilation of ALL TIME. Up there with Labyrinths and Jokes, the Blorp Essete 4CD reissue, Anthology of American Folk Music, the CD of minute long commercial songs about St Ides Malt Liquor…a heady pantheon indeed! The bands are all top notch, The Beast People (sounding very unlike they usually do for the first half of their song), Mini Systems, Ron of Japan, Sun City Girls, Shadow Ring, Don Bolles. Then there’s the bands I had not heard before but totally rule, like The Lidz, Space Machine, Die Todliche Doris. Then there was what I was REALLY excited about, Gernols (Reynols plays Germs), which just ends up sounding like your basic Reynols songs actually (one of the rockin kind). Which I would maybe be disappointed by if this was, say, a 5RC or Troubleman comp, but it’s not. CDs are split up into the Chocolate Monk CD and the 777 CD, both equally good. Seriously, it’s always hard to pick which one to put on. Some very nice artwork too, actually one of the pictures is quite similar in style to Don Van Vliet’s artwork on the Blorp Essette tapes! And one of the pictures is even better, a naked cowboy with a hook hand! The cover is a photo of a young boy gripping at what appears to be a beer bottle. You should do likewise, only grip THIS ALBUM instead of, or better yet, AT THE SAME TIME as a “cold frosty one”. Man, I just realized my reviews have all been overwhelmingly positive! Well, what do you expect, I got all these albums FOR FREE!

Decaer Pinga “The Brown Mouth Downer” (Chocolate Monk) CDR
Another good one by the DP, which is very hard to describe in words. I wonder if language technology will one day leap forward to the point where music CAN be accurately described by words? Maybe even ONE word could describe an ENTIRE record label’s catalogue! “Have you heard of the Heresee label? No? Well here ya go, ‘<some sort of one word metaphor>’”. That one syllable really summed up this album, didn’t it? And don’t even get me started on the “Vigilance” syllable particle!

Tusco Toreup “Cock Jamz” 3” (no label) CDR
Cool album. These guys are at the top of the free music ladder, in my opinion! I especially like the 3” format on this. Remember earlier in my reviews when I said I normally don’t like them? Well now I like them a lot! You can hold them in the palm of your hand, and they are adorable! Like little pokemons or something. Anyways, this appears to be all live shows, I think they might be mixed together though, but I can’t really tell how. Starts off with a total LAFMS vibe, with some noise harmonica (always awesome, didn’t Wolf Eyes use a harmonica for a while back in the day? Yeah, they did, Aaron used it, and her name was “Lucille”, bring that back, boys!), then the song heads out to the land where the borders become less defined, and the space jam turns multicolored and uuugghhhlllll… I’s a good’un…..
Oh, I should also mention that the case it’s in looks really nice, sewn and everything, only it’s a little too small to hold the CD. Only slightly though, and it actually kind of makes it look nicer, or at least more special.

Tusco Terror “Tumor Eclipse” (Durable Stimuli) CDR
Ah, another favorite format, or I should probably say packaging. A CDR housed in an old 5.25 inch Floppy Disc! This one has nice printing on the label too, cursive style font on the band name and title. Classy! Anyways, the first song on here is called “Jamboree in the Hills” and it’s as fun as it sounds! Garbled junked up tape noises, with vocals here and there, saying cool things like “jica-jica!”, or “chic chic chicachica”. Like in that one “Oh Yeah” song by Yello from Ferris Beuller! Then the jamboree turns super hill-billy. With la la screechy bleltching and whatnot. After this track, the next 40 songs are “loops”, but they pretty much all have blank space in them. I suppose it’d still be fine to listen to looping though. Oh wait, they are not ALL loops, a song called “Bodacious Load” just started. What a good title! I really love the word bodacious. I will bet this is a good song to “drop a bodacious load” to! You know what I’m talking about dudes? Anyways, I really like listening to the loop songs all in a row, it’s like that one Red Krayola album, Coconut Hotel, or Ruzelstirn and Gurglestock at their best, ya know? You never know what’s going to come next! And silence is nice, even if you could hear it just by turning off the stereo. Tusco Terror are definitely on the front lines of the psychedelic noise renaissance, I think I am going to write to them and try to get a copy of their Heresee album, which is out of print now! (A special note written before “press time”: dudes, the heresee album is ok, but not all that great!)

Heart 2 Heart/Tusco Terror/Leslie Keffer (No Label) CDR
Another good looking package…and I’m not just talking about the ARTISTS! HAW HAW HAW! Seriously though, Leslie is a total babe, the Heart 2 Heart girls are total babes, and the Tusco Terror boys are all total hunks! This album is discriminatory against ugly people! I heard a rumor that Quad Muth was supposed to be on this album (and tour, since it’s a tour release, edition of 40), but the rest of the bands decided they were too ugly! (In reality it was because Quad Muth broke up, amicably, but it still doesn’t change my point!) Anyways, enough about these band’s amazing collective asses, how about the music you ask? Well Heart 2 Heart start off with a song called “Awesome 2”, which is a loud samply noise jam. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but that’s probably because I missed "Awesome 1". Their second song, "Creation Myth", is mixed very quiet. It’s a more droney low end feedback type of jam, which sounds exactly like when God created the world in the book of Genesis. The first part of the story though, the one where God makes man and woman at the same time, not the later tacked on part where he makes woman out of Adam’s rib. Those sounded totally different, when they happened, in various times in mythology. I wasn’t actually there, but my brother taped it for me. Anyways, track 3 is by Tusco Terror, and is also quiet. It is called “Ransom Newton”. I wonder if it’s a reference to this idea John Schoen had to kidnap Mat Rademan at No Fun Fest? We were going to kidnap him, drive him down to the docks, and say in foreign accents “Next time send out your orders on time!” I guess lots of other people had the same idea though, maybe The Tusco Terrors came up with it independently. It is a good song, and sounds as good as getting ransom money for Rademan would feel! Their next song, “Warlock’s Grave” is of a similar vibe, but it gets a little creakier and more duct taped as the song moves along. Moving along, “Misfit” is Leslie’s first song. And it sounds like a looped version of Danzig getting punched out after attempting to sucker punch a member of an opening band, whom D. didn’t allow to play. In other words, it sounds gorgeous! Her next song “Now Is The Time” has some vocals in it, but very distorted with some nice machine buzz hugging them. And her last song, which is also the last song on the album, “Nature” is more machine buzz fuzz loop heaven. Doesn’t really song like nature though! Well I guess it is reminiscent of a frozen tundra, which is actually part of nature. You just don’t usually think of it as such. Then there’s a nice 3 note melody which repeats. You know the kind I am talking about. They are pretty much always good, and this time is no exception.

Bloodyminded “Live: Behind the Green Door” (Chondritic Sound) 3" CDR
Shit yeah! Totally crappy recording of a live show at Greh (or “Grey” as he is spelled on this one) and Charley D’s place. Well, I guess the recording isn’t TOTALLY crappy, but it’s pretty low level. Also, there’s a skipping noise through the whole thing. I don’t think it’s supposed to be there. Is this what happens with crap digital recording equipment? I KNOW what crappy analog recording sounds like, having made enough myself. It’s a good sound though. 16 songs in 10 minutes, these dudes aren’t fucking around. Lots of song dedications too! “This one goes out to the Mutant Moments Crew!” Also, a song called “Pornlord” is dedicated to a good friend who passed away (I think, it might’ve been a little snip of sound between dedications or something). It is pretty hard to tell what the fuck is going on on this. It’s all good though, it was probably a million times more awesome live, but still, I love audio documents of awesome nights, no matter how they sound! I should probably pick up some of Bloodyminded’s actual albums. I guess the newest one is really psychedelic, Dilloway says it sounds like 30 Minuten Mannercreme during some parts!

Metalux “III” (BE) CDR
Guitars, guitars, guitars! And some drums too! This seems to be Metalux’s guitar oriented album. The title “III” may be a reference to the Led Zeppelin album by that name. This seems more influenced by Harry Pussy, but that’s probably just the guitar and drums combo that’s making me say that. Because it doesn’t sound like Harry Pussy at all, really, the styles are totally different, though equally “free”. There’s lots of guitar duets on this too, it’s not all guitar and drums. It’s all really well done, but right now I am feeling sleepy, and I have a headache, and it is making me a bit nauseous. But don’t let my headache fool you, this is top notch music, and is a million times better than EVERY ROCK AND ROLL BAND EVER! THEY ALL SUCK! Do I have anything else to say about this? There’s a psychedelic lion on the cover. The songs have titles like ‘122”, “141”, “133”, and “333”. I would like to go into the numerological significance of these titles, but I am not very good at that sort of thing. I am going to eat some aspirins and go to bed now.

Greg Kelley “I don’t want to live forever” (Gameboy Records/Little Enjoyer) CD
Weird, I totally thought that I’d already reviewed this, only I guess I didn’t! Maybe I am thinking about the Dusted review of this, which was a really good one, better than this one, probably. Anyways, this is a super awesome CD, Greg Kelley plays trumpet (not that you would be able to guess that on your own), and spring drum (I am not sure what that is, so I can’t tell you if it sounds like one or not). The whole album starts off with loops of a few of snippets of sounds recorded on hissy tape, with silence between them. It starts out fairly quiet, with hisses, breath through the trumpet and springing sounds. The snips vary in length, and it’s very rhythmically interesting. Later on it gets more springy and loud in sections, then quiet again. Then there’s a nice drawn out section of a cold wind blowin’ for a long time, then at the end, it’s the themes from earlier! Maybe it’s supposed to be about reincarnation or something. The themes invoke things like childhood, the tundra, grot, and old age to me. It’s probably my favorite CD of this year, or last year, whatever year it was that it came out. Intellectually stimulating, fun, and pleasing to the ear, like wrapping your ears in a quilt on a cold night. It’s really beyond my powers to write about. Actually, even though I mentioned the Dusted review of this earlier, the BEST review of this you are going to find is in the liner notes, and it isn’t just one piece of writing, it’s two, by Oliver Alden (I can’t remember who he is, but I may have met him once? Not sure), and Leif Elgren (don’t think I met him, but his name is also familiar). So really, if you want to read about this CD, buy it, or read the liner notes at the store, if it’s the type of store that just has the empty plastic cases on the shelves, with the sleeves in them.

Hair Police “s/t” (Hospital Productions) CD
I am pretty sure this CD is self titled, but on the inside of the spine (the case is clear) it has the phrase “Born Pissing”. That’d be a good title, but a self titled album is good too. Anyways, everything on here was previously released, except for one track. The first two tracks were a tape on Hospital, in an edition of 50. Wow, I am pretty sure I have that tape, it must be worth some serious $$ now! Check me out on ebay at ChunkeyLover420! (not really) Tracks 4 and 5 were on the Mortuary Servants 7” on Freedom From, which I believe is sold out, and which I also have. However the b side to that, Rare Animals, acted really weird on the turntable and kept jumping around. I can’t remember why exactly, but I think it was because the band put a demon curse on every record. But the track on this CD works fine, even though there’s an upside down cross in the CD tray. Here is an interesting piece of hot gossip, apparently the band submitted it with the cross right side up! God works in mysterious ways. Inside, there is some interesting liner notes, in a cool font, done in a total Xerox mirror lake style, things like “SEE! The skeleton is the only animal that looks like it’s owner.” The sounds on here are great, just as good as they sounded on tape and vinyl, and unreleased, but still different. I always like it when I have things on different formats and they have a different flavor to them. Usually, things sound best on one format, like I have noticed that Blue Oyster Cult sounds really good on record, but crappy on CD. I was going to say that this is my favorite Hair Police CD, but since I got it, Drawn Dead, and then Constantly Terrified came out, and those are my favorites too. History of Ghost Dad and Probe Cuttings are also favorites. Obedience Cuts is another favorite, and also I put up half the money for that to come out! Blow Out Your Blood has a fond place in my heart because it was the first one I heard, and is the best one to freak out squares by playing super loud. But if none of those existed, the self titled album would definitely be my favorite Hair Police album OF ALL TIME!

HZMT “Black” (Mark Tapes) (CDR)
ALLSONGS ARE BLACK it says on the front cover, with a border of Chinese newspaper. The cover isn’t black though, it is green! The music is sort of whispy and staticky, with occasional drum machine in the background. It’s like a tornado alert, with sirens, in the middle of a blizzard. Even though that doesn’t happen. But on this album it does! It is pretty cool to imagine though, being in a town in a blizzard and there’s sirens everywhere, and all of a sudden you see a huge funnel cloud in the sky! Or maybe you wouldn’t even be able to see it, what with all the snow blowing everywhere. I have always wondered what it would be like to be picked up by a tornado. That would be a pretty wild way to die, I should think. Or even crazier yet, to survive it, people have survived things like that before. Anyways, this is a very good HZMT album, and it’s even better than the Metallica black album and probably as good as the Prince black album. Well, probably a little better, since Prince’s rapping kind of sucks on that. Tony is a very good rapper, I’ve heard, even though he doesn’t rap on this album. He goes by the name of Rap Bastard, be on the lookout! All songs are black, indeed.

Carly Ptak “BOTH” (Heresee) CD/DVD
Super cool package here! It’s a soft plastic case that holds the DVD and CD, then there is a wallpaper artwork thing you can take out, if you want to read the information about the piece, or to look at the artwork fully. All the recordings are made entirely of Carly’s voice, with some effects and triggers. She really goes all out with the noises you can make with your mouth too, lots of hisses, burbles, glossiolia, and much much more. Including the noise known as “talking”. My favorite parts are the “pronoia” pieces, which are from a live radio call in show, recorded at 4 am, with Carly helping people out with problems and concerns. Issues like madness in spiritual development, the concept of concepts, the difficulty of ridding one’s mind of duality, and laughter. The latter is my favorite, the guy she is talking to says “sometimes when we laugh it is because we realize the sheer ridiculousness of it all!” which I think I said to a girl one time when I was super drunk. Carly replies, “It just feels good to laugh, I don’t have to feel ridiculous! It exercises my chakras, dude!” Man, she’s sharp! This CD is a very good tool for anyone who is into self improvement. So is the DVD, which has 4 movies. One is called Foci Coincide, which is the longest one. It has lots of close up shots of moving spools and spokes, as well as my favorite scenes, the ones that have shots of clouds mixed with shots of moving water. It is very moving, but it also just plain looks good! You have to be in the right mood to watch this, but you really should PUT yourself in the right mood, it is certainly more rewarding and relaxing than watching some dumb VH1 celebrity special! Ha, I love how I am lecturing you readers for something that I do! Anyways, the next movie, Secret Mist, is even more meditational, with Carly taking on the role of Nature, a sunset with eyes and lips, and a bit of a nose. Later on she wears the sun, and a cave, and a misty forest, all the while reminding you to pay attention to your surroundings, and pay attention to your life, and be sure to enjoy it. But be warned, throughout the whole thing there’s a repetitive super low bass throb, which caused the speakers on my DVD player to go out, they came back later, I think it was some sort of breaker inside it. So don’t crank it up too loud if you have a cheap sound system! The next one is called Dark Fare, and it features Chiara Giovando. In it Carly and Chiara are dressed up as some Scarlet Women, dressed up all fancy, gorging themselves on food and wine, to the point of vomiting. Just the eating ends up looking super disgusting! However, there is humor in it, and the ending scene I found to be laugh out loud funny, even though it was pretty subtle, just the way that Chiara picks up some spaghetti and puts it back down. And the last movie, Pronoia, is more of that call in show, with a slide show of Carly’s symmetrical psychedelic nature art. The call is a very interesting one too, the man is an actual paranoid, and Carly gives him and his mother some advice on how they can maybe deal with it. It’s sound advice for anyone though, really because everyone gets at least a little paranoid sometimes. And that’s the end, the punch line to the whole package does not end up being “BOTH of DEEZ NUTS!”

Canned Hamm “Erotic Thriller” (Pro-Am Entainment International) CD
Disco, disco, disco, I am going to the disco! A cover of that great song poem is not on here, but it would fit well I think! Instead we have a cover of an equally great song, “Cannonball Run”. But things start out with “Boyz Nite Out (Remix)”, which is a celebration of hanging out with your guy friends! (if you are a guy!) I kind of wish there were more lyrics to this one, and also I kind of like the original version of the song (which is a secret version at the end) a little better. Still, it’s a good song, and more importantly, it’s a fun song. The next song is about divas, which has always been one of those words that make me cringe. However, this song has totally turned me around! Divas are great, and like Big Hamm says “There should be a Diva channel all day”! Also, like Little Hamm, I agree that “There should be a Diva channel all night”! I also enjoy the next song, “In Praise of Older Women”, which starts out with an awesome choir singing “PRAISE!” Who doesn’t like older women? However, one thing this song doesn’t deal with is some advice Jeffery Tambor gave on the Arrested Development television program. And that is “Never promise Crazy a baby!” Ahem, moving on, the next song is called Laughing At Me, which is a descent into paranoia! However, despite all the talk about how everyone around them are devils laughing at them, the song is still insanely catchy and fun! Perhaps the fellow from the Pronoia call to Carly could be helped by listening to this song, it’d be like when you are sad and listen to a sad song and it makes you feel better. The title track, Erotic Thriller is a funny one, but at the beginning, for some reason a guy who sounds like he is imitating Bill Clinton is ordering a supersize meal from a drive-through? Why? It is never explained, and it makes me angry that these Canadian stinkfaces would make fun of us Americans! The rest of the song is fun, though again I would’ve enjoyed more lyrics. The next track is a little skit about going to Little Hamm’s pad, where it is made clear that B.H. and L.H do NOT live together and like the ladies. Later on, Big Hamm walks up to his 3rd floor pad, which takes 45 seconds! I guess I shouldn’t describe every song on here, but another favorite one of mine is “Love Handles”, which is a spotlight for Big Hamm, and it’s a super fun song. “Love Handles, can you handle it, can you handle my looove, handles!” I can handle them! One time I ended up sleeping on a floor next to Big Hamm and I was told later that I cuddled up to him at one point, in my sleep! After this is Seafood Taco, which is sort of annoying to me, in that “seafood taco” as slang for vagina doesn’t really work in this context for me. But I deal, by thinking of the song as being about a regular fish taco, I love those! And finally the cover of Cannonball Run, which is so fucking dumb. I would probably say it is Hoyt Axton’s dumbest song ever, but I know for a fact he has written even DUMBER songs than this one! But still, a song doesn’t have to be smart to succeed, and it’s a great way to end the album. There are some “secret” bonus tracks too, but I won’t give away the surprise. Except for the original version of Boyz Night Out, that I mentioned earlier, I guess. Oh, and I forgot to mention, the cover art is INCREDIBLE!

Excepter “Self Destruction” (Fusetron) CD
Whoooaah, holy shit another Excepter album. These guys are kind of my favorite band, but they also kind of freak me out. Like with that shit with the biblical passages in the previous review of them, remember that? Anyways, I have read a couple reviews of this where they mentioned that it was supposed to be the band’s “house music album”. And both reviews were like “it’s not like house music, unless maybe you’re listening to the house music…on acid!” Man, those were some good reviews. Parts sound like parts of house music to me though, somewhat, perhaps. Oh my god I am so fucking high right now. Excepter have several qualities which I enjoy in music, like (1)lots of echo, (2)weird synthesizer sounds (3)crazy goodtimes stoned vocals (4)weird headphone crackle. In conclusion, Excepter man, … a band for the ages.